My Perspective on Dating: 2020

For the past few months, I have noticed a significant spike in views on my dating article from high school. It has become one of my most viewed articles! This was a bit of a surprise to me. However, I realized with the recent increase in views that I should probably create an update on my dating perspective (considering the fact that I am approaching my mid-twenties and have a little more perspective than what high school studies had to offer). The basic structure of my biblical view remains intact to this day, but my approach has grown considerably with every year that has passed from my original article written in 2015. I will give my perspective from the standpoint of what I have personally experienced, but I do not intend to give guidance on the matter, save for what the literal Scriptures say on the subject of the relationship between a man and woman. This is merely from the perspective my personality brings out in the realm of dating and the results of being discouraged by the dating world. I grow more discouraged interacting with it each passing year, but I am trying to hold steadfast to what God instructs us in the realm of pursuing relationships, whether they be simple friendships or the budding friendship between one and their future spouse. It matters not because they should all be Christian brethren, regardless.

Although dating is not the same chivalrous activity it once was for my parents' generation, the genteel process of courting between a young man and woman remains relatively the same in Christian circles. It has taken on, in essence, new modes of transportation in reaching its goal, however. Currently, I have noticed a trend in dating where people hang out in large groups of Christian friends, and eventually, couples emerge from the body and start seriously dating. My question is, “how do you reach this point with a friend you have known?” I still personally do not know. In my early teen years, I was taught to wait for the man to initiate, but with recent changes in the social approach of the last few years, it seems that has been slightly altered even in Christian groups. There has been an emphasis put on a relationship of equality between the man and woman. I personally do not agree with this perspective. As I have studied God's Word and sat under the council of many "veterans" of Christian marriages, it seems that the Bible is quite clear on the matter and life quickly reveals the need for the man's leadership in the majority of marriage's finer points. Although I am sometimes filled with doubt on the matter, the Scriptures have led me to come back to the conclusion that pursuing a fully "equal" relationship is not the way to approach finding your God-intended mate. It instead pulls on worldly philosophy's that quickly causes a deterioration of Biblical foundations. Those who claim the "equality view" as their own often ironically fall short of what they think they believe to be equality.

As a female, I am led by the Scriptures as a lesser vessel to be a helpmeet (1 Cor. 11:8-9) to my future husband (Col. 3:18 & 1 Cor. 11:3). This perspective is essential before entering a scriptural relationship (Eph. 5:22-33). His decisions oversee and rule over mine. Even if I do not agree with him partially or at all, my will is to bend to his in submission as the leader God has placed over me (1 Peter 3:1). This is something that should be understood in the beginning stages but initiated in the mid to latter stages of dating as marriage becomes the next step. In my understanding of what the Scriptures portray, the man must be the initiator and the pursuer. This does not mean that the woman shall have no influence on the future relationship of marriage and the choices made together, but rather the emphasis is on the man as the one who sets the foundation of the relationship. This emphasis sets the tone and spiritual balance that is Biblically relayed to us throughout the Scriptures. He should not overpower her nor suppress her but instead guide her and cultivate the path for the relationship. To counter this perspective, some have pointed me to the life of Ruth's as an example of a woman initiating a relationship. However, I would argue that her story has no serious weight in today's marital culture (in initiating relationships-- in other aspects Ruth has great benefit to marital studies). The reason for her seeking out Boaz was to attain the goal of a "kinsman-redeemer" (Ruth 4:10-11): something that is not really present in the modern American culture when considering marriage. Ruth sought out to fulfil her righteous duty only by starting the process. Boaz took the lead as soon as she presented her case before him. He sent her to her home to wait until she heard from Boaz. Even Naomi counseled her to wait for his word. She was not the mover of the relationship. The Scriptures make their relationship to each other quite clear. He was the initiator and the completer of the relationship, not Ruth.

Both man and woman should be seeking out a godly spouse. Both individuals in the relationship should be seeking out ministry. Some people have bristled when I have said this, but what I mean is to be serving the Lord in some shape or form. Every relationship must be founded firmly on a worldview that seeks out to consistently and willingly serve God. For me, I have personally been brought up to have a giving heart and express that openly in ministry. There are so many ways to minister throughout the church and outside the church without having to be a pastor, pastor's wife, Sunday school teacher, or some sort of church leader. If your heart is focused on fulfilling the will of God then it is very possible to find someone else who is serving God, to come alongside of.

Waiting for God's designated mate for me and living in the dating world has lead me to realize that the focus is not on the actual act of dating but on the preparation of the intended result: marriage. I am here to help him and serve under him. I am here to worship God alongside him. I am here to work alongside him in any form of ministry God has designed for him. I am here to be his encourager, his helpmeet, and to reflect the undying love of Christ for him just as Christ did for us as the Church and most importantly submit completely to my spouse as the Church is to submit to Christ (Eph. 5:22-24). I hope to endure patiently as I wait for him if it is indeed God's will for me to have someone.