The Incomplete Love Language

One perspective on dating that I think should have more voice is finding each other‘s love language through a biblical perspective. I have found that it is very difficult for me to say “I love you” to someone. Although I am very affectionate in my actions and conversation, it is very difficult for me to verbally say that I love someone. Only in recent years have I made a concerted effort to be freer in my usage of the phrase, and yet, I still have my reservations when using the phrase. It is something I think and something that I feel, but it is something I did not want to articulate until I knew that this is the one God has for me (this came rather easily when I met my now husband). However, I found that instead of having a verbal love language, my way of expressing love was giving and service. I constantly give gifts to people I care for and love. I will give up my time, I will give my ear to those who need someone to listen, and I will sacrifice my own desires to show my love and affection for people in my life, but is this what makes the "love languages" between a husband and wife complete from a biblical perspective? We can show all the love and compassion towards each other and still be missing an integral part of love in the light of the scriptures!

Of the few people I have dated, I discovered that they had very unique and distinct love languages from each other. One individual I dated constantly told me that he loved me and complimented me every moment he could, while another was very reserved in what he said and never overly doting in his speech or affections (something I am finding more and more common). However, this was not a lack of affection on his part. Instead, he gave me every moment he could whenever there was an opportunity. On the other hand, another individual was not so sparing of his time but would send me articles and pictures he thought I would enjoy, and reminded him of me. Each love language was beautiful in its own special way. God has created us to be so distinct from each other, even in our ways of showing love! Because of this, I think it is very important to take the time to see if you can recognise the love language that your dating partner expresses, as well as defining and refining what your own is. Song of Solomon is filled with beautiful interactions between King Solomon and his love, creating a distinct picture of God's design. A defined love language makes it much easier and personal while deepening the relationship. In essence, the love language between two individuals is the actions and evidence of their deep devotion and care for the other, as God has designed.

The gap that seems to be most often missed when considering the depth of one's love language is, in my perspective, one of the most critical aspects of expressing love that God has beautifully designed for our imperfect world. It was this missing piece to the puzzle that made crumbling marriages very evident in my father's marriage counselling for struggling couples seeking out help. Forgiveness was often forgotten and sometimes ignored in many Christian relationships, leading to the steadily increasing divorce rates in Christian circles. Neither individual would concede to ask for forgiveness, nor would they forgive the other when one did relinquish their pride to ask forgiveness of the other. I have found it hard to easily forgive or even apologise many times, with deep hurts, but through God's guidance, I hope to grow in this area. I would like to share what I have dwelt on in the Scriptures concerning this much-needed understanding of forgiveness. However, my perspective as a newly married woman is incomplete in itself. Most of what I have written is based on my personal devotions and searchings as I have prepared to join my husband, and is greatly limited by my lack of experience. My only desire is to share what God has laid on my heart.

The primary passages that consider forgiveness and apology as part of a relationship with love are found in Ephesians 4, Colossians 3, Romans 15, and, of course, the love passage of 1 Corinthians 13.

First of the passages is found in Ephesians 4, where we see a great emphasis on forgiveness and how it should relate to our interactions with fellow believers. (Sidenote: As Christians, it should be acknowledged that marriage is not right in God's sight if both individuals are not His children. It has been a growing trend for Christians to ignore this aspect of God's instruction for relationships, however, leading to a much more difficult situation when conflict arises. Relationships must be within the Christian brethren if looking towards the potential of marriage and a growing relationship.) Paul starts by laying out a premise of unity in verses 1-6. He states that if we are to walk worthy of God, our hearts must be prepared in unity with the brethren. We are called to humility in our relationships in verses 2 & 3: hearts of "lowliness, and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavouring to keep the unity of Spirit in the bond of peace." We cannot accomplish this tall order if our hearts are not rooted in a desire to love God. As we jump down to verse 25, Paul beseeches the Ephesians to put away lying, sinful anger, theft, a mouth of corrupt things, malice, and bitterness. These are all things that hinder our relationship with God and consequently create division amongst fellow believers. Bitterness, above all, can be the single most efficient relationship killer and can even evidence a heart of unbelief (Matt. 6:15). Paul concludes the passage in verse 32: "-be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." A relationship of any kind cannot be complete without forgiveness, just as our relationship with Christ is not complete without forgiveness. Jesus may love us with an unending love, but if we do not recognise our sin and ask for His forgiveness, WE HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP with Christ! If we lack forgiveness and sorrow for our wrongs, we cannot have any kind of relationship!

Our second passage is found in Colossians 3. This is probably the passage that comes to most people's minds when they think of forgiveness, and while it is one of the most defined passages about forgiveness, I have not made it the primary focus of what I am writing. However, it is still very important for understanding forgiveness as an essential aspect of true love. Once again, we see the example of Christ (v. 13), forgiving us, displayed as the ultimate reason for us doing the same in our own lives. Paul once again lists out the attributes of a loving child of God (v. 12), finalising his statement that these are all part of love: the "bond of perfection" (v. 14). These are all part of the characteristics of the new man in Christ. If any of these are not present, then the salvation of the individual is in question (reference verses 5-8 for characteristics of the old man). We are called to a spirit of peace (v.15), and forgiveness is an important part of that peace between brethren, just as Christ forgave us our sins that would otherwise doom us to an eternity in hell. Love without forgiveness is an incomplete picture because it is an irrevocable characteristic of love.

Thirdly, we look at Romans 15. Here, we do not see a direct focus on forgiveness, but rather the details and tenets of a heart focused on avoiding sin against the brethren and desiring for unity. Before leading into his plea to glorify God in a state of unity, Paul prefaces with verses 1-6. He lays out an image of sacrifice: v3 'For even Christ did not please Himself; but as it is written, "The reproaches of those who reproached You fell on me."' He implores that those who are strong in the faith be aware of their weaker brethren. As part of the biblical edification Christ exemplified, we are to sacrifice our own desires as an act of edification to our weaker brethren. How many times have you held onto things in your life that are not a problem for you, but are difficult for a friend or family member? I know I have, and I have had to set aside many things that have created division. They were not things that were necessarily sinful, but could exploit a weakness in another brother. Was my heart focused on unity with God and His people when I would not relinquish these desires? Certainly not! This can also be very apparent in arguments, when you desire to hold onto what you think is right. You might be, but that does not give you the right to exploit a weakness in a brother. Romans 14:1 makes that very clear: "Receive one who is weak in the faith, but not to disputes over doubtful things." We can so easily become a hindrance to each other when our focus is on ourselves and what we think is right instead of having our eyes focused on God and His desires for us. Our hearts should be prepared to apologise when we have sacrificed unity with the brethren for our own desires, but we should also be preemptively searching to prevent any exploitation that would lead to offending our brother. (Other good passages to consider on this topic are: Romans 14:21, 1 Corinthians 8:9, & 1 Corinthians 8:13)

Finally, we find ourselves in the all too familiar love passage: 1 Corinthians 13. We start with a strong definition of what love is, but the verses that have always struck a distinct chord of conviction in my heart are in 4-7. Paul begins a long list of the attributes of love, which read more and more unattainable with each verse. "Love does not envy": how can one go through the ups and downs of a relationship without ever feeling jealousy about or towards someone they are so close to? "Love does not parade itself": pride is the natural inclination of man since the Fall, as seen in the story of Adam and Eve. "[Love] does not behave rudely, does not seek its own" How many times have we found ourselves in a place to mock or belittle the ones we claim to love in a so-called spirit of fun, but in reality to make ourselves look better? Then, finally, what always stops my eyes in verse 5, "[Love] keeps no records of wrongs". Just stop, and think about how many wrongs you have held self-righteously close to your heart. I have wept over this passage thinking about things that have stagnated in my own heart regarding people I claimed to love: things that have kept me from experiencing love as God designed. What bitterness and resentment keep us from fulfilling a God-honouring love that He has so mercifully defined in the scriptures? If only bitterness could be scraped physically from our wretched, sin-soaked bodies! And yet... because of what God has promised us in Ephesians 4, we can forgive and rest in the peace He promises throughout all the scriptures! Love does not dwell on the wrongs, but puts away such childish things (v11), and "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things." Through God all things are possible (Matt 19:26) and that most definitely includes forgiveness!

To close, a love language without forgiveness is like faith without works and works without faith: empty and without meaning. I started this article several years before I had even started on the beginning of my journey together with my husband in marriage, and these things become more evident day by day. If your love languages lack forgiveness and some measure of unified compromise, there is no purpose behind it except satisfying your own wants and desires instead of giving yourself wholeheartedly to the individual you have stated your affection for. Our love for our brethren in any kind of relationship should reflect the love of Christ for the church. It is sacrificial, not self-preserving, and serving. It puts the others' desires before our own, even when it seems that we are in the right. As Christ forgave us for all, we must reflect that in our own personal relationships and choose forgiveness even when it seems difficult to do so and often requires letting go of those hopes and dreams we have latched onto so tightly. Instead, let us cling to Christ and reflect His earnest desire to forgive those who had done such wrong to Him while also remembering that we ourselves were among those who did such things in our sin. Praise God, His forgiveness covers it all!